I had often prayed to God for him to make me more like Jesus Christ. Over the past 3-4 years I feel that I have indeed been changed by him. At times, I would kneel by my bed at night, my praying candle burning in front of me, and asked God for forgiveness for my sins. Ridiculous as it sounds, at times I would feel completely righteous. In my prayers I could not think of a single thing that I felt sorry for. I thought I was doing pretty well as a Christian. I was dead wrong...
I once heard that the core of human sin is pride. Pride is often subtle. If your life is going well and everybody likes you and thinks well of you, you have little chance to confront the pride in yourself. So much of what we do and how we feel is dictated by others' opinions. We all like to be praised, and I for one know that I do care a great deal about what others think. Having grown up in a family where one's worth it often judged by his/her "achievements" in this society, I am slowly become aware of just how I myself have become the product of my parents' values. I had not escaped, I am just as guilty as they are. Among these successful social elites, how many have said to one another, "He has done well in life because he has loved much." But rather, "He has done well because he has made a good life for himself and his family. He is climbing to the top of society." Didn't Jesus himself say that one's treasures are stored in heaven, measured by how much you have served others as a humble servant, but not by the riches that you have accumulated on this earth? I realize I sound slightly sarcastic and cynical. And perhaps that's the way I feel. At times, it seems that I will never be able to break free of my judgment of others' by their level of education, and their statuses in this society.
But, then there is God. Our Father, who is the truth, and who is gracious enough to answer our prayers. I had been praying to be more like Jesus, and I know realize that I was always hoping for God to change my heart by waving a magic wand. Poof, suddenly I would wake up one day and all the sins in my heart would have disappeared (OK, maybe lessened, I ain't that naive...hehe). The amazing thing is, and the one thing I should have realized sooner, is that God works to change us through the circumstances that we face in our lives. Yes, he is that intricate miracle worker, dispensing his grace through the most ordinary events of our lives in the most amazing ways. Over these few weeks, I have had to had a close look at my heart, and even closer look at the ugliness that lives within me. Indeed, there is a battle of good and evil that runs through my very heart, and I struggle with it constantly. It is the battle of between what is true, and wonderful, and what is deceptive, and destructive. It's not an easy battle, and I need to constantly pray to God that he would grant me the wisdom to see things the way he would see them, and the strength to stick to my decision and stand firm behind it. God is slowly breaking my heart of the pride that lives within me, built up like a thick wall of stone, over the years by the lies of the world. It's quite painful, but somehow I know that unless I get past this, I will never be closer to the LORD, because the wall separates him and I.
I often prayed to God to be my guide, that his will be done. But is it that when he actually wants to give me something truly wonderful that I suddenly want to run away? How rebellious am I, and how much of a sinner am I? Isn't it funny, how much we want to control our lives and often times only see things as being God's will when they go the way we expected them to. When will we ever let our guard down and just trust him? It is humbling to know that I am far far from being the "saint" that I thought I was on my way to becoming. Though the realization is liberating, and calls me to hang on to God and his grace on a tighter grip even still...
I once heard that the core of human sin is pride. Pride is often subtle. If your life is going well and everybody likes you and thinks well of you, you have little chance to confront the pride in yourself. So much of what we do and how we feel is dictated by others' opinions. We all like to be praised, and I for one know that I do care a great deal about what others think. Having grown up in a family where one's worth it often judged by his/her "achievements" in this society, I am slowly become aware of just how I myself have become the product of my parents' values. I had not escaped, I am just as guilty as they are. Among these successful social elites, how many have said to one another, "He has done well in life because he has loved much." But rather, "He has done well because he has made a good life for himself and his family. He is climbing to the top of society." Didn't Jesus himself say that one's treasures are stored in heaven, measured by how much you have served others as a humble servant, but not by the riches that you have accumulated on this earth? I realize I sound slightly sarcastic and cynical. And perhaps that's the way I feel. At times, it seems that I will never be able to break free of my judgment of others' by their level of education, and their statuses in this society.
But, then there is God. Our Father, who is the truth, and who is gracious enough to answer our prayers. I had been praying to be more like Jesus, and I know realize that I was always hoping for God to change my heart by waving a magic wand. Poof, suddenly I would wake up one day and all the sins in my heart would have disappeared (OK, maybe lessened, I ain't that naive...hehe). The amazing thing is, and the one thing I should have realized sooner, is that God works to change us through the circumstances that we face in our lives. Yes, he is that intricate miracle worker, dispensing his grace through the most ordinary events of our lives in the most amazing ways. Over these few weeks, I have had to had a close look at my heart, and even closer look at the ugliness that lives within me. Indeed, there is a battle of good and evil that runs through my very heart, and I struggle with it constantly. It is the battle of between what is true, and wonderful, and what is deceptive, and destructive. It's not an easy battle, and I need to constantly pray to God that he would grant me the wisdom to see things the way he would see them, and the strength to stick to my decision and stand firm behind it. God is slowly breaking my heart of the pride that lives within me, built up like a thick wall of stone, over the years by the lies of the world. It's quite painful, but somehow I know that unless I get past this, I will never be closer to the LORD, because the wall separates him and I.
I often prayed to God to be my guide, that his will be done. But is it that when he actually wants to give me something truly wonderful that I suddenly want to run away? How rebellious am I, and how much of a sinner am I? Isn't it funny, how much we want to control our lives and often times only see things as being God's will when they go the way we expected them to. When will we ever let our guard down and just trust him? It is humbling to know that I am far far from being the "saint" that I thought I was on my way to becoming. Though the realization is liberating, and calls me to hang on to God and his grace on a tighter grip even still...
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