Lately I feel like my spiritual life has really been suffering. Being in a relationship is hard - this is something that I have heard but never really understood. In all the relationships that I've been in things always started well. I was always happiest at the start. Sometimes this happy period would last a few months, and even years. But alas, they never lasted, and I always found myself alone again.
I'm not sure what it is, but this time around, I can really say that being in a relationship IS hard. I have had to look inside myself and face a few demons that must have gotten quite comfortable living in the dark corners of my hearts. When you are alone, you are set about your own ways and you dream up of a perfect guy who will match what you've always wanted. This dream may not always be fabricated from all that God sees is good. Many times (for me at least), it is made up of our own selfish desires, our own wanting for the other person to fulfill the emptiness in our hearts, or to fill up the shortcomings we shamefully bear. I feel like I am being confronted by God of my own pride that is almost unbreakable. It is almost like an iron box that has encased my heart, one that God is slowly starting to chip away over the past while. The process is a lot harder than I could've ever imagined. I feel myself wrestling with God, day and night. I become a prisoner of my own thoughts, which spiral on continuous in my mind.
After a particularly emotional outburst with a loved one today, I found myself in tears and not really knowing what else to do. My heart was thumping and my thoughts ran wild. Then a thought flashed through my mind, "Only God is unchanging and forever just, only God holds the truth". I realized that I would NEVER be able to go on, or to live life, if it weren't for the ever loving and faithful God. I needed him more than ever, and I had been abandoning him to pursue my new found "religion" of being in a relationship, with who I want everyone to think to be the perfect guy. The conversation I had with my loved one also reminded me of the importance of being happy with what you have and not over-thinking things. My own depression comes from my pride of not being content of my blessings and wanting something else than what God has given. My fault lies in my lack of faith, and the wanting to control everything in my own hands.
Tonight I prayed by myself for the first time in a while. It was a broken prayer, not eloquent or well laid-out. I pleaded for God to help me, for him to help me deal with my pride. It is time to have faith, to look towards God again. He had been repeatedly reminding me to not stray from him, and in my tears this morning I realized how far I had walked, and how much I still (and always will) need him.
Success makes it harder to depend on the LORD. There is no failure more disastrous than the success that leaves God out.
I'm not sure what it is, but this time around, I can really say that being in a relationship IS hard. I have had to look inside myself and face a few demons that must have gotten quite comfortable living in the dark corners of my hearts. When you are alone, you are set about your own ways and you dream up of a perfect guy who will match what you've always wanted. This dream may not always be fabricated from all that God sees is good. Many times (for me at least), it is made up of our own selfish desires, our own wanting for the other person to fulfill the emptiness in our hearts, or to fill up the shortcomings we shamefully bear. I feel like I am being confronted by God of my own pride that is almost unbreakable. It is almost like an iron box that has encased my heart, one that God is slowly starting to chip away over the past while. The process is a lot harder than I could've ever imagined. I feel myself wrestling with God, day and night. I become a prisoner of my own thoughts, which spiral on continuous in my mind.
After a particularly emotional outburst with a loved one today, I found myself in tears and not really knowing what else to do. My heart was thumping and my thoughts ran wild. Then a thought flashed through my mind, "Only God is unchanging and forever just, only God holds the truth". I realized that I would NEVER be able to go on, or to live life, if it weren't for the ever loving and faithful God. I needed him more than ever, and I had been abandoning him to pursue my new found "religion" of being in a relationship, with who I want everyone to think to be the perfect guy. The conversation I had with my loved one also reminded me of the importance of being happy with what you have and not over-thinking things. My own depression comes from my pride of not being content of my blessings and wanting something else than what God has given. My fault lies in my lack of faith, and the wanting to control everything in my own hands.
Tonight I prayed by myself for the first time in a while. It was a broken prayer, not eloquent or well laid-out. I pleaded for God to help me, for him to help me deal with my pride. It is time to have faith, to look towards God again. He had been repeatedly reminding me to not stray from him, and in my tears this morning I realized how far I had walked, and how much I still (and always will) need him.
Success makes it harder to depend on the LORD. There is no failure more disastrous than the success that leaves God out.
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