Yet as time went on, my relationship with God changed. The initial period of spiritual high eventually calmed and I began to know God at a deeper level. I wasn't so much excited about God, but I experienced him at a deeper level, in a way that fills my whole being with an indescribable sense of peace and joy. I begin to notice the little things that God surprises me with from day to day. I am aware that he knows my thoughts, my inner desires. The other day, I found myself at the mall completely unplanned only to realize that I had a passing thought of wanting to go to the mall a few days earlier. As I walked into the doors of the mall to cross to the other side so I could take the bus, suddenly it dawned on me that God had brought me there and I hadn't noticed this pleasant surprise he had in store for me until then!
Of course, circumstances in life get difficult, and I am filled with wear, worry, and doubt. I struggle to hang onto my faith and getting angry with God. "Why not just give a little bit more courage and strength?!", "Why God, don't you help me?!" Things are getting personal. Yet, it is through my pains that I feel (I know) that God is teaching me a lesson. Perhaps I am making God out to sound like an angry Father who punishes those disobey. In fact, it's the exact opposite. Our God has given us complete freedom. Freedom to choose how we want to live our lives, and freedom to choose what we worship (though it pains him that a lot of the times, it isn't him). When humans stray from God and turn away from seeking his guidance, they suffer from the consequences of their sin. But the amazing God is still sovereign. and in control. He listens to our (well, I know he has listened to mine!) prayers and uses life's circumstances to shape us into the people that we pray to be. He is merciful, that he gives the sinners a second chance, longingly wanting to bring them back into his arms. These days, I'm experiencing a lot of that. And as I had always prayed to God to make me humble and patient, I can confidently say that he is answering my prayers. I can see him working in my life, and the lives of my family members, teaching us his way. It is NOT an easy process, as we labor and battle the darknesses of our hardened hearts, as layers of secular idealism are pried off, as we seek healing and forgiveness for the hurt we've caused and the hurt we've been done on, walking that narrow and difficult path towards reconciliation and restoration... God be with us.
I think it is true that the more one suffers, the more one is close to God. That is because in times when we lose control, when we're out of options, we only have God to rely on. And this means completely trusting him with the future - something that I find extremely hard to do, especially in a society like the one we live in in North America. Yet, this is what I've had to do (or maybe am still trying to do). I saw in a video clip a few days ago of a preacher saying that "for those who trust the LORD, he will literally hold you in his hands all the days of your life" Admitting my powerlessness will certainly bring me one step closer to God. It means letting him into your life, it means giving your life to him. After a while (and sometimes it doesn't last), you start to feel this transcending peace when you pray to the LORD. You feel his presence, and most of all, you know that the spirit of the LORD lives inside of you. Like a glowing flame he burns in your heart, to warm, to comfort, to guide...
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