I am not sure how to begin this blog entry... so many things have happened in the past week. Last Sunday I found out that my dad had to go in for an emergency surgery. So on Monday night I flew back to Taiwan to help my mom take care of him. At the time, it didn't feel like my return was absolutely critical, but something told me that I should come back.
After I got home from the airport, I quickly freshened up and had a quick bite to eat. Then I took the trusty Taipei MRT and much improved bus system (I believe) to the hospital. It was hard to see my father weak and connected to all these tubes that I had no idea were for. With my limited medical knowledge, I was afraid to touch him - I didn't want to accidentally bump into anything. I held his hand, and hard as I tried I couldn't help the tears from flowing.
I wouldn't say that the relationship between my dad and I is good, because for a long time I don't think we had much of one. Growing up, he was always busy at work. And when we moved to Canada, he visited us 3 to 4 times a year. During this time, I was a self-centered teenager too busy to know the meaning of quality family time. In my adult years, I came to know him as an incredibly complex and difficult man. We have had our share of disagreements and even shouting matches. I loved to please him, but also loved to (or tried to) make my dissatisfaction with him appear obvious.
For C&C's Easter event, we carried out the feet washing event. Jesus said, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me" After washing their feet, he said to his disciples that "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet." All week long before Easter I had been listening to sermons about the Christ's servitude. Even the foot washing event was meant for us to experience the act of humbly serving others. I had long prayed to God for him to make me humble, patient, and loving. And through many turns of events he has taught me what it means to truly love someone. That loving your neighbours sometimes mean it's not always reciprical, but that doesn't mean you don't love. them That an unselfish love is one that overflows from your heart due to the love of God in your heart, and that God's love is not a love that is based on the "give and take" model. In real love, it is really more about giving than receiving.
I have had to help my dad with many things that we do in our lives without even thinking about - getting up, getting undressed, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, getting a dry bath, washing his hair, drinking, eating. I have had to sit there beside him when he is overcome with pain and discomfort. When things seemed uncertain and the tension is high, I've had to continue to do the things that needed to be done. I've had to stop thinking that this trip I'm making back is all about how good of a daughter I am, but instead it's really about giving yourself in caring for another human being selflessly. And although there are moments where I still long to do things I've got going on in my life - to be at meetings I've had to miss, to be at the special event with the guest speaker, to be living my life, I can't think of any other place... I really can't... that I would rather be at than being here with mom and dad at the hospital. For isn't it our commandment to love our God with all our hearts, and to love our neighbours with all our hearts? I am convinced that this is where God calls me to be, and this is where the potter continues to mold his creation.
Being back in Taiwan has really strengthened my faith in God, and also made my relationship with him grow even deeper. It must be all the prayers that others are faithfully praying for me, for us, right now, because I feel that I have really come to depend on God more fully and freely (I realize we may never be able to completely give myself and my life to God because of human sin, but we only can pray and try) in this time of need. I've clung onto my prayers, praying several times a day, and God's faithfulness has always prevailed. No matter what comes, I always have that peace in my heart, knowing that He is still in control, that he tells me "Be still, and know that I am God."
I wouldn't say that the relationship between my dad and I is good, because for a long time I don't think we had much of one. Growing up, he was always busy at work. And when we moved to Canada, he visited us 3 to 4 times a year. During this time, I was a self-centered teenager too busy to know the meaning of quality family time. In my adult years, I came to know him as an incredibly complex and difficult man. We have had our share of disagreements and even shouting matches. I loved to please him, but also loved to (or tried to) make my dissatisfaction with him appear obvious.
For C&C's Easter event, we carried out the feet washing event. Jesus said, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me" After washing their feet, he said to his disciples that "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet." All week long before Easter I had been listening to sermons about the Christ's servitude. Even the foot washing event was meant for us to experience the act of humbly serving others. I had long prayed to God for him to make me humble, patient, and loving. And through many turns of events he has taught me what it means to truly love someone. That loving your neighbours sometimes mean it's not always reciprical, but that doesn't mean you don't love. them That an unselfish love is one that overflows from your heart due to the love of God in your heart, and that God's love is not a love that is based on the "give and take" model. In real love, it is really more about giving than receiving.
I have had to help my dad with many things that we do in our lives without even thinking about - getting up, getting undressed, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, getting a dry bath, washing his hair, drinking, eating. I have had to sit there beside him when he is overcome with pain and discomfort. When things seemed uncertain and the tension is high, I've had to continue to do the things that needed to be done. I've had to stop thinking that this trip I'm making back is all about how good of a daughter I am, but instead it's really about giving yourself in caring for another human being selflessly. And although there are moments where I still long to do things I've got going on in my life - to be at meetings I've had to miss, to be at the special event with the guest speaker, to be living my life, I can't think of any other place... I really can't... that I would rather be at than being here with mom and dad at the hospital. For isn't it our commandment to love our God with all our hearts, and to love our neighbours with all our hearts? I am convinced that this is where God calls me to be, and this is where the potter continues to mold his creation.
Being back in Taiwan has really strengthened my faith in God, and also made my relationship with him grow even deeper. It must be all the prayers that others are faithfully praying for me, for us, right now, because I feel that I have really come to depend on God more fully and freely (I realize we may never be able to completely give myself and my life to God because of human sin, but we only can pray and try) in this time of need. I've clung onto my prayers, praying several times a day, and God's faithfulness has always prevailed. No matter what comes, I always have that peace in my heart, knowing that He is still in control, that he tells me "Be still, and know that I am God."
In the midst of all this growing, it is true that the devil still wants a piece of us. In fact, I think he wants more of us if we grow closer to the Lord God. For God has reminded me again, that the feeling warmth of being in servitude could grow into a thorny bush of pride. I'm not quite sure what to do with that warm and fuzzy feeling, except to keep praying for God to set me straight. Afterall, everything we have comes from him. The Lord gives and takes away, and I certainly sincerely hope to not want to take credit for anything I've done here in Taiwan so far. It's all God's doing, it's all about him...
I was told that the missionaries of Charity are given a bucket with water, some towels, and then are sent off to help the sick and the lame in the streets of India. Perhaps this is the radical teaching of Jesus that we need to take up on. Perhaps, we should no longer hide behind our white picket fences. Maybe it's time to take faith, to take God's love, into action.
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