I haven't slept well for a week or two now. Things in life have been crazy busy, and there are many transitions happening not only in my life, but in the lives of those around me and close to me. This summer, I will have attended 4 weddings, taken on a new role as the new chairperson of C&C , applied for a new volunteering position, fund-raised for victims of Typhoon Morakot, participated in a benefit concert for Typhoon 88, led worship, presided at a Sunday service, said goodbye to a roommate (and dear sister in Christ) of 2 years, said goodbye to many friends from C&C, say hello to a new roommate, met many new friends, rekindled old friendships, gotten to know old friends better, led worship again, presided at Sunday service again, contemplated on a new romance, gotten scared from the thought of contemplating a new romance, worked hard on my thesis (well, I hope!)......
As a result of my busyness, my devotion and prayer life has suffered. I find myself exhausted at the end of each night, and my prayers half-fast. I used to spend mornings doing my devotion. Now, I can't wait to turn on my computer and see what new e-mails have come in over night. The joy and peace that I had found in Christ is suddenly gone. I'm left with anxious thoughts and a sense of restlessness. There are always things to be done, places to be, people to talk to and see, get-togethers to organize. I started to feel distant from God, and I am thankful for the spirit's reminder that I need to re-focus my life on Christ.
At one point, after working on a slideshow for 3-4 hours a night for one week straight, I asked myself, why am I doing this? Because I love working on slideshows of course, to make things perfect, to show everyone a master piece that they will enjoy watching. But yet, am I doing this for God? Am I doing this out of the love for God? Or do I just want everyone to think I'm a talented leader who can make really good slideshows? I had to pause and ask myself that question. Yes, I want to be a good chairperson, to make this year the best year ever at C&C. Then, I stopped myself from thinking those thoughts. They are dangerous, albeit ambitious, but perhaps only from wordly views. A successful fellowship in God's eyes would only mean one thing - that the people in the fellowship have a heart for the Lord and are willing to let Him guide them and obey Him in everything they do. As soon as I was reminded of that, I let go of a lot of unnecessary and unrealistic 'goals' for C&C.
In the last few weeks of busyness, I have come to realize a lot of my sinfulness. How I like to be in control and tend to want my way when it comes to how things are down (I am an ESTJ!). How I am still so prideful and selfish. At the same time, I am also grateful that God has searched my heart and revealed to me the changes I need to make in my life (difference between guilt that comes from God and that which comes from the devil). I kneel down before him and confess my sins, recognizing once again of how much I need him in my life. I remember one of the signs of a calling is a feeling of inadequacy. Perhaps in my trying to do everything perfectly, I have lost touch with that sense. Sounds ironic, but I need to regain that sense of inadequacy. But, as scripture says, God's strength is shown in our weaknesses. I know that it is only our inadequacy, only when we let go of trying to do things ourselves, that God can do his greatest work in us...
My soul earns for God. I long for that feeling of closeness to my Lord that I used to have. I pray that I will find God again. In actuality, I don't need to find him, because he has found me. I remember hearing a sermon a while ago about God speaking to us, or perhaps it was a book that I read. How do we hear the voice of God that so many of us long to hear? The speaker/write said that God already speaks, he is knocking on our doors and waiting to be let in. The door knob, however, is on the inside, where we are. We need to be the ones to open it and let Him in. In the midst of all the clutter in life, which could very well include many church activities and responsibilities, are we giving God Himself enough of our time each day to hear what he has to say to us? I know I probably haven't been, and I pray that I will change my ways from this day on. For my innermost being, my soul, longs for God Himself. It's almost like missing a lover, this sense of longing in reminiscence... ;) Maybe I am starting to understand the Song of Songs. Or perhaps, that is how Jesus feels about every one of us, he too longs for us to turn our faces toward him.
So what is God saying to me? I sense that he is still saying, Be Still and Know that I am God. He is asking me to trust him with my life. He is asking me to serve selflessly in His name and leave the rest up to Him. At the end of the day, Father, I want You, and for your will to be done in my life.
As a result of my busyness, my devotion and prayer life has suffered. I find myself exhausted at the end of each night, and my prayers half-fast. I used to spend mornings doing my devotion. Now, I can't wait to turn on my computer and see what new e-mails have come in over night. The joy and peace that I had found in Christ is suddenly gone. I'm left with anxious thoughts and a sense of restlessness. There are always things to be done, places to be, people to talk to and see, get-togethers to organize. I started to feel distant from God, and I am thankful for the spirit's reminder that I need to re-focus my life on Christ.
At one point, after working on a slideshow for 3-4 hours a night for one week straight, I asked myself, why am I doing this? Because I love working on slideshows of course, to make things perfect, to show everyone a master piece that they will enjoy watching. But yet, am I doing this for God? Am I doing this out of the love for God? Or do I just want everyone to think I'm a talented leader who can make really good slideshows? I had to pause and ask myself that question. Yes, I want to be a good chairperson, to make this year the best year ever at C&C. Then, I stopped myself from thinking those thoughts. They are dangerous, albeit ambitious, but perhaps only from wordly views. A successful fellowship in God's eyes would only mean one thing - that the people in the fellowship have a heart for the Lord and are willing to let Him guide them and obey Him in everything they do. As soon as I was reminded of that, I let go of a lot of unnecessary and unrealistic 'goals' for C&C.
In the last few weeks of busyness, I have come to realize a lot of my sinfulness. How I like to be in control and tend to want my way when it comes to how things are down (I am an ESTJ!). How I am still so prideful and selfish. At the same time, I am also grateful that God has searched my heart and revealed to me the changes I need to make in my life (difference between guilt that comes from God and that which comes from the devil). I kneel down before him and confess my sins, recognizing once again of how much I need him in my life. I remember one of the signs of a calling is a feeling of inadequacy. Perhaps in my trying to do everything perfectly, I have lost touch with that sense. Sounds ironic, but I need to regain that sense of inadequacy. But, as scripture says, God's strength is shown in our weaknesses. I know that it is only our inadequacy, only when we let go of trying to do things ourselves, that God can do his greatest work in us...
My soul earns for God. I long for that feeling of closeness to my Lord that I used to have. I pray that I will find God again. In actuality, I don't need to find him, because he has found me. I remember hearing a sermon a while ago about God speaking to us, or perhaps it was a book that I read. How do we hear the voice of God that so many of us long to hear? The speaker/write said that God already speaks, he is knocking on our doors and waiting to be let in. The door knob, however, is on the inside, where we are. We need to be the ones to open it and let Him in. In the midst of all the clutter in life, which could very well include many church activities and responsibilities, are we giving God Himself enough of our time each day to hear what he has to say to us? I know I probably haven't been, and I pray that I will change my ways from this day on. For my innermost being, my soul, longs for God Himself. It's almost like missing a lover, this sense of longing in reminiscence... ;) Maybe I am starting to understand the Song of Songs. Or perhaps, that is how Jesus feels about every one of us, he too longs for us to turn our faces toward him.
So what is God saying to me? I sense that he is still saying, Be Still and Know that I am God. He is asking me to trust him with my life. He is asking me to serve selflessly in His name and leave the rest up to Him. At the end of the day, Father, I want You, and for your will to be done in my life.
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