Missing the World

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. - 1 John 2:15

The C&C meeting ran late last night.  Earlier that afternoon, I had just finished giving a presentation in the graduate seminar hour.  I was tired by the time I was done and decided to take the rest of the day off.  I had to make dinner for the night, so after a short nap (and a very healthy lunch from McDonald's) I headed off to Richmond to get the necessary "Asian" groceries that was required for the menu.  After I got home I spent a couple of hours in the kitchen washing, chopping, frying, steaming, and preparing everything before everyone arrived around 7pm.

There has been so many things going on at church, especially at fellowship.  It feels like just when we have one issue dealt with, another one pops up.  This year has definitely proven to be a difficult year, and at times I feel so tired that I don't want to continue.  I think to myself, where is the fervor I had for leading this fellowship into new adventures and new territories as I just had a few months ago?  The reality of the matter is, and I keep getting reminded by other members of the committee (at times I get quite irritated) that a lot of our old, capable members, are now gone.  What are we to do?  I certainly cannot take everything upon my shoulders, I feel like I am already bent over.

Perhaps I am exaggerating, I know there are others in the church that are responsible for a lot more, and probably have put in a lot more effort in serving than I.  But, sometimes I want to throw in the towel and just say, "I Quit!"  It sounds all very cliche, and I didn't think that I would come to this point (naively I believed my passion was different than all the others who would start out enthusiastic and get burnt out fast).  Am I burnt out?

The other day I was thinking about my high school friends, how I have really drifted away from them.  Before I always thought it was because I have changed, and I have.  But, why have I lost touch with them?  True, I don't quite enjoy going clubbing, going to Vegas, shopping, talking about materials and status and how to 'get ahead' in the world.  Of course I'm not saying that that's all my friends talk about, but a lot of the times that's what it feels like and it bores me to death.  But I thought about me being a Christian, and felt slightly guilty and frustrated by myself that instead of spreading God's good news and love to them, I have busied myself with church stuff and essentially cut them off.  Yes, I've asked them to come to church (they always say no) a few times, but is there more that I can do?  Aren't we as Christians, supposed to be out there in the world?  If we're not (If I am not), does that mean that I have wrapped myself in a security blanket called 'church', unconsciously telling myself that I am better than others because I am a 'devout Christian'.  Have I used God to cover up my own insecurities?  Or do I serve because I truly love God and His people.

At one point, I had experienced the true and pure and awesome love of God, and I am sure the desire to want to serve Him was real.  But what about now?  I get caught up with if activities are planned perfect, that there is good food, music, games, but have I spent enough time praying for these activities?  Why am I doing all this?  It may sound like that I am having a mental breakdown, and perhaps I am having a mini one ;)  Other than church and school, there are also other things going on in my life.  Things that I really want to happen, but yet at the same time am not sure if it's what God wants.  Ugh!  Why can't life be easy?  Why can't God speak louder?    

I got a package from a dear girlfriend who now lives in Australia with her boyfriend.  It contained a mixed CD, a card, and a card game that she had taught us to play on our recent trip to Ottawa together.  This morning, another girlfriend who is living in Sweden with her boyfriend called me to catch up.  It was so nice to hear from both of them.   With these girls, there's the familiarity of our  decade(s) long friendships and a certain freedom in speaking to them about however it is that I feel., something I don't have when I talk to my friends from church.  At the same time, friendships with my sisters in Christ can feel so much more intimate because we have been brought together by the love of Christ.   I really have to think and pray about why it is that I feel this way.  I am torn, I miss the world.  Sometimes I think it would just be easier to go with the trend of the world and the work of the Kingdom can seem so irrelevant and inconvenient.  Ack,  I need help!  I'm still in that struggle, but I pray that my faith can be resilient enough to overcome this period of difficulty.  If you've read this far, I want to thank you for putting up with my ramblings :P