Rest

I've spent the last two days at home.  I wasn't feeling so well on Tuesday night and on Wednesday morning I decided that it would benefit myself (and my colleagues) if I stayed enclosed at home with my germs.  On both days, I've slept till almost noon, then proceeded to spend the rest of the days doing not much else other than 'wasting my life away on the information superhighway', as I answered P when he queried on what I was up to :P  

Rest..... I feel like I haven't slept this long in "like forever!".  I suspect I knew that my body was tired and it kept telling me to rest, but yet I continued to go on each day not taking good care of myself.  Why is it that I have been running around, and why was I always tired?  It's taken me a long while to adjust to back to 'normal life' after all the busyness and emotional trauma that serving at the church in the past year has caused.  The church has been like a family to me over the past years and changes within the church has no doubt affected me more than I would like to admit.  Over the past months, I feel like a storm has been roaring inside my heart.... and sometimes I feel a bit drowned within my emotions.  P can attest has he has had to deal with a few of my 'emotional outbursts'.......  

I've hardly prayed, and hardly been reading the bible.  I started reading on my way to work, a few verses from the daily bread, but it feels like I am just gazing at words on a page.... nothing stands out to me like they used to.  Occasionally at church I am reminded of a verse that I used to love or gave me a lot of comfort.  Occasionally I hear a sermon that inspires me, that reminds me of how I want to live for Christ... but I just go on living the same way as I did before.  I've started seeing my Christian Counselor again and we are at a point where we both feel 'stuck' in terms of the issues that I've gone to her to discuss.  I've tried to read one of the books that she recommended, I've tried to stay positive 'in my head'.  But so far, it seems like nothing is working.  I feel stuck within my own insecurities and emotions.  I want to be this perfect person whom everybody loves, but I know I can't be and it's making me depressed.  Argh!  I feel so disconnected from God and I feel like it's my fault because I haven't been trying.  But they say God always finds us when we are lost?  So God, why haven't you found me yet?