Right with God

A while back, I had wanted to blog about something I felt strongly about.  Ever since I have started working and stopped going to fellowship, I've been trying to re-balance my life.  For over two months now, I'm trying to eat healthier, get more sleep, and get into a good exercise routine.  Along with the paychecks, I've also been doing quite a lot of shopping.  New shirts, jackets, shoes, you name it.  All in all, it feels like I've been trying to get my life 'right' since my bad experience with being burnt out completely in serving the Church.  And in the last week or two, it feels as if I'm almost 'there'.  One problem - I don't necessarily feel much happier.  There seems to be something missing....

In the midst of my trying to re-balance, I noticed that part of what I was in the frenzy of trying to make my outward self look good.  I wanted new work clothes, but after a few shopping trips I still didn't feel that I had enough clothes.  I felt out of shape, and I found myself wishing that I had one of those toned bodies that I see on the women who run in their lululemon outfits along Kits beach.  I thought about getting into wearing more makeup.  After all, I was a working girl now, an office lady.  But all the while, I felt empty inside.  I started struggling with feelings of extreme insecurity in my relationship, and I felt like I was trying so hard to improve myself so I could be better.  During those times however, a verse would often come to mind - "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.  Samuel 16:7"  Underneath our beautiful outfits, underneath our well-maintained physique - our skin, how dark are our hearts?  I remember when I was volunteering at UGM, everytime after spending time with the women down at the Women's Drop-In, I would feel so much more alive, so much more real, more human.  It's because who they are - their brokenness, but also their extreme positivity (surprisingly, but some were really delightful), and their warmth, was all so transparent.  What does it matter if we strive for all the things that would make the world see us as 'put together', but inside our hearts and our minds are not right with God?  A sense of wanting to be right with God, to be connected, shielded in His love, comforts me.  I imagine from that abundant love we would be transformed from the inside, and it would radiate to the outside.  That work of transformation, I imagine no amount of nice clothes, makeup, or physique, could disguise.  The presence of God within our hearts is (as Master Card says it!) priceless...  We can spend a lot of time being busy, being involved, trying new things, to feel like we are living life to the fullest.  But perhaps time alone with God, time sitting quietly at the feet of Jesus, is what we really need to fulfill us.    

One of my mind's vice is the worries that I hold for my family members.  Are they well?  Will they think for themselves about their futures?  Are they motivated?  I meet capable, happy, involved, busy people and think, well their lives seem to be very good, why do I have so many family problems?  (Naive cause everyone has problems, but the devil tricks me into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side).  After spending a night with some friends at a hip joint, tasting wine and cheese talking about mostly what we want to gain out of our lives, I had another reflection - that it perhaps is a blessing in disguise to have struggles in our lives because it makes us open to God.  It makes us aware that we can't do it on our own, that we are weak aside from the strength that God gives us.  It makes us more vulnerable, but more real as human beings, and more lovable in the eyes of the merciful Father who 'simply delights in us for who we are'.  I love my family, and in a way I am grateful that we have these struggles so that we can journey together, and be transformed by the Love and Grace of God.  I suspect it will be a life time journey, but I am in awe whenever I think of the redemptive work God has done in all our lives.  We cannot live without Him, and He has been so good to us.

So I have come back to Him again, or am trying to.  I know the Holy Spirit is speaking to me, reminding me of the love I once had for God and helping others, of the passion I had to want to make a difference by the strength God gives me, and by the wondrous possibilities of the things we can do for God if we "Let Him have His way with us", if I let Him have His way with me, to be His instrument (a prayer prayed for me by my counselor the other night, and again sung at church today.....!).  What if, we give up our lives and handed them over for God use.. what if?