I walked to my car in the rain after class today. Weary and frustrated, I thought to myself "當什麼基督徒嗎!?" Life is definitely not easier, if not harder, as a Christian. I was still sinful, and as confused as ever. Had I made the right choice? Why did I do that for? Why, oh why wasn't Ia nicer person? Questions, thoughts, images, and memories ran through my head all day long. I reached up and rubbed my eyes, which have stayed puffy and I suspect will stay puffy for at least a couple more days. I thought there must be something wrong with my head, something very wrong with me. I felt my composed exterior breaking down. To many I seem like a person with a good head on my shoulders. Someone confident, with lots of common sense. Yet one the inside, I suspect my thoughts may as well resemble a dish of spaghetti and meatballs - all mushed up and messed up. I feel like I've let pieces of myself strewn out all over the place, and I cannot collect them all back again. Piece by piece, I am giving myself away, and there's really not much left. My last resort - turn to God. Wasn't I the one who wrote down my favourite verse on the Angel during Saturday's C&C meeting as it was written in Luke - For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it (Luke 9:24). I suddenly realized that following Christ means serious business. It is easy to speak words of committing yourself to God, but excruciatingly, and painfully hard to follow through. For who wants to give up playing God, who wants to give up control, who wants to willingly submit to suffering and denial of the pleasuring indulgence of the world? If it means that I can be one step closer to the God of the Universe, then bravely I say Yes.
I thought about the passage in John 3:1-8. Jesus tells Nicodemus that no one may see the Kingdom of God unless he is born again. This takes me back to a certain sermon, where the preacher talks about the birthing process. Not only is it painful for the mother, it is also painful for the baby. Having to be squeezed through a dark tunnel at least half his size, leaving the comfort of his mother's warm womb - where all he didn't have to worry about anything but being fed (don't even have to worry about that), and into a scary world unknown, I'm sure was a painful process. So as for a new born who has to go to the birthing process to enter the world, for a man to be born again of Water (and the spirit), it must be equally and if not more, painful. And perhaps for the first time in my life I realized how difficult of a process it is (at least for me) to be born again. Being born again means peeling off the secularim tightly glued to your skin, it means breaking down those walls of stone around your heart, it means standing up on your weak limbs after having been paralyzed for so long, opening up your eyes to see the light, which can too much at first. For once we looked upon ourselves, now we look towards God.
Steve was right - living the gospel isn't easy. It really isn't easy! Oh LORD, I feel like I can never live up to it... it's just too hard... too painful... it is much easier to go along with the rest of the world. Afterall, there are some nice, well-adjusted, successful, and happy people out there! Perhaps... But if there is God, and he is the ONE TRUE GOD, then I have no choice but to bow down and follow. I look back on short life of 26 (almost 7) years and feel like I've sinned a multitude. But in all these years of being a Christian, have I really forgiven myself for the sins I've committed? Haven't I been covering myself up in deeds rather than fully accepting God's love and forgiveness - which must be the first step? Why do I proclaim that I am a Christian but shy away from talking about God? Why do I still make cynical jokes? Why do I feel like I can be Half a Christian - looking to others other than the word of God itself - to guide me? Because the word of God is hard to swallow, and harder to carry out. But I must presevere, I must carry on. Because if I don't, then life as I know it has no meaning.
So if you would please pray for me - my prayer is the put God first in all things., and my desire is to seek his will first in all things.
I thought about the passage in John 3:1-8. Jesus tells Nicodemus that no one may see the Kingdom of God unless he is born again. This takes me back to a certain sermon, where the preacher talks about the birthing process. Not only is it painful for the mother, it is also painful for the baby. Having to be squeezed through a dark tunnel at least half his size, leaving the comfort of his mother's warm womb - where all he didn't have to worry about anything but being fed (don't even have to worry about that), and into a scary world unknown, I'm sure was a painful process. So as for a new born who has to go to the birthing process to enter the world, for a man to be born again of Water (and the spirit), it must be equally and if not more, painful. And perhaps for the first time in my life I realized how difficult of a process it is (at least for me) to be born again. Being born again means peeling off the secularim tightly glued to your skin, it means breaking down those walls of stone around your heart, it means standing up on your weak limbs after having been paralyzed for so long, opening up your eyes to see the light, which can too much at first. For once we looked upon ourselves, now we look towards God.
Steve was right - living the gospel isn't easy. It really isn't easy! Oh LORD, I feel like I can never live up to it... it's just too hard... too painful... it is much easier to go along with the rest of the world. Afterall, there are some nice, well-adjusted, successful, and happy people out there! Perhaps... But if there is God, and he is the ONE TRUE GOD, then I have no choice but to bow down and follow. I look back on short life of 26 (almost 7) years and feel like I've sinned a multitude. But in all these years of being a Christian, have I really forgiven myself for the sins I've committed? Haven't I been covering myself up in deeds rather than fully accepting God's love and forgiveness - which must be the first step? Why do I proclaim that I am a Christian but shy away from talking about God? Why do I still make cynical jokes? Why do I feel like I can be Half a Christian - looking to others other than the word of God itself - to guide me? Because the word of God is hard to swallow, and harder to carry out. But I must presevere, I must carry on. Because if I don't, then life as I know it has no meaning.
So if you would please pray for me - my prayer is the put God first in all things., and my desire is to seek his will first in all things.
1 comment:
Sure!!! I'll pray for you and for sure we've seen God is working!!
God will reward you as you decide to follow Him faithfully.
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