As I sit here tonight and reflect on the last 6 months of my life, and think of all that have happened, I feel so grateful. I think back on the days when I would wake up feeling like I had a big hole in my heart, on the days when my stomach would churn before going to church, on the days when I would spend hours trying to figure out, trying to understand what it was that went on. I remember crying t o my mother on the phone and thinking, "Gosh, I am a 27 year old fool still needing the cooing of my mother". I lamented on the self that I gave away and the self betrayed, stabbed in the back. I realized, with shock, how much I had anchored my self-worth on the praises of somebody else - but not God. I realized, with much pain, how easily I could be replaced. Those days, I had to hang onto God every single minute of every hour of every day. I prayed constantly, and also prayed with others often. I meditated on the words of the Lord, eager to find comfort there. I remember repeatedly saying, "He will not let me fall, he will not let me fall" before heading to a meeting one time. The days of suffering are still fresh in my head, but now they feel like they are in the past.
But then, little by little, and unbeknownst to me, God began to heal me. I can now say with clear conviction that God is faithful and good. I remember there was one particular week in June when I experienced his care in unmistakable ways everyday. It gave me faith and courage to know that if God had been faithful everyday (it took me a few days to realize this), then he would be for the day after as well.
The pinnacle of my healing came during my trip to Ontario and Quebec, where I experienced God's providence every single day. I felt particularly nervous about being a tourist by myself in a strange place. Yet to my surprise, I wholly experienced God on the days that I was alone. Perhaps it's because in times when you are by yourself you need to trust the Lord that much more to look after you. I almost miss the times when I wandered Montreal alone, through the streets of Old Montreal, by the shores of Old Port, in and out of the many churches and cathedrals, discovering new neighbourhoods, sitting at the top of the Oratory looking at the sunset. But I wasn't alone, God was always with me. After my trip I felt completely refreshed, having seen old friends (and celebrated one marriage) but also explored some place new. I felt like the possibilities of where God could lead me in life are endless. But I now had a firmer feel that he really was in control, and he really did care about me (like really really!). I praise God
Through all the tears, the heartaches, the feelings of betrayal, shock, confusion, anger, emptiness, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, anxiety, I have finally come to the point where I can almost let the past go. I won't and don't want to minimize the pain and the suffering I went through, but I'm now able to see how God walked with me through this dark valley. It almost brings tears to my eyes, because I feel so much closer to Him now than I was ever before. In Steve's sermon today, he talked about building our lives' foundations on the rock that is the way of Christ. I was so touched by what he said and couldn't agree more. I feel so grateful to have good brothers and sisters in Christ around me when I was going through that period of depression. I felt grateful that they were there to encourage and support me, and walked with me down the road that I thought was God's way, that is, the way of Christ but filled with pain. I suppose I could have found an easy way out - another relationship maybe a quick fix to the lonely condition of my heart that I won't deny. But I knew God was telling me to walk this road and not be afraid, because he would walk with me. He was and is still telling me to "Wait, Be Still and Know that I am God!" And, in the words of a friend, "If you had to go through all this to get to know God at a deeper level, would you do it?" The answer is yes.
I feel a weight has been lifted off my heart. As if I have reached the end of a long journey full of trials and I have come to the garden of the Lord, where there is peace and quiet. My whole being is so filled with joy that I want to shout out my love for God at the top of my lungs. He is so good! After badminton the other night, V, J and I went to superstore. Vincent asked if I was in love because I kept smiling for no reason. I assured him I wasn't in love romantically, but that I was just happy. He didn't believe me. Of course, he hasn't met God yet (but I hope he will one day!). Halleluia, Praise the LORD!
But then, little by little, and unbeknownst to me, God began to heal me. I can now say with clear conviction that God is faithful and good. I remember there was one particular week in June when I experienced his care in unmistakable ways everyday. It gave me faith and courage to know that if God had been faithful everyday (it took me a few days to realize this), then he would be for the day after as well.
The pinnacle of my healing came during my trip to Ontario and Quebec, where I experienced God's providence every single day. I felt particularly nervous about being a tourist by myself in a strange place. Yet to my surprise, I wholly experienced God on the days that I was alone. Perhaps it's because in times when you are by yourself you need to trust the Lord that much more to look after you. I almost miss the times when I wandered Montreal alone, through the streets of Old Montreal, by the shores of Old Port, in and out of the many churches and cathedrals, discovering new neighbourhoods, sitting at the top of the Oratory looking at the sunset. But I wasn't alone, God was always with me. After my trip I felt completely refreshed, having seen old friends (and celebrated one marriage) but also explored some place new. I felt like the possibilities of where God could lead me in life are endless. But I now had a firmer feel that he really was in control, and he really did care about me (like really really!). I praise God
Through all the tears, the heartaches, the feelings of betrayal, shock, confusion, anger, emptiness, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, anxiety, I have finally come to the point where I can almost let the past go. I won't and don't want to minimize the pain and the suffering I went through, but I'm now able to see how God walked with me through this dark valley. It almost brings tears to my eyes, because I feel so much closer to Him now than I was ever before. In Steve's sermon today, he talked about building our lives' foundations on the rock that is the way of Christ. I was so touched by what he said and couldn't agree more. I feel so grateful to have good brothers and sisters in Christ around me when I was going through that period of depression. I felt grateful that they were there to encourage and support me, and walked with me down the road that I thought was God's way, that is, the way of Christ but filled with pain. I suppose I could have found an easy way out - another relationship maybe a quick fix to the lonely condition of my heart that I won't deny. But I knew God was telling me to walk this road and not be afraid, because he would walk with me. He was and is still telling me to "Wait, Be Still and Know that I am God!" And, in the words of a friend, "If you had to go through all this to get to know God at a deeper level, would you do it?" The answer is yes.
I feel a weight has been lifted off my heart. As if I have reached the end of a long journey full of trials and I have come to the garden of the Lord, where there is peace and quiet. My whole being is so filled with joy that I want to shout out my love for God at the top of my lungs. He is so good! After badminton the other night, V, J and I went to superstore. Vincent asked if I was in love because I kept smiling for no reason. I assured him I wasn't in love romantically, but that I was just happy. He didn't believe me. Of course, he hasn't met God yet (but I hope he will one day!). Halleluia, Praise the LORD!
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