Love is the answer

Sitting in bed awake at 3:44AM.  It seems that my jet lag is getting worse, or that my body only wants to sleep a maximum of four hours (i.e. I go to bed at 12, wake up at 4, or I go to bed at 11 and wake up at 3).  It's been a long time since I've blogged.  In fact, I'm not sure if I've ever gone this long without blogging.  I've been wanting to share on my blog, though, a major reflection, one that I feel like I need to tell the world (via. www!).

I just got back from my 5-week visit to Taiwan (minus the 1-week side trip to Japan), the place that I grew up in but moved away from at the age of 10.  For the past 20 years or so, I don't remember ever being that excited about going back.  After all, we visited every single year, so it was no big deal.  I remember spending a whole entire 3 months pretty much lazily sitting in front of the TV when I would be back in Taiwan for the blazing hot summers, during my high school years.  Later on in my life, going back to Taiwan turned into what would be very emotional stressful trips for me, as things with my family were not going so well.  I would start to get worried about 2-3 weeks prior to my trip, wondering what would happen this time?  I was very angry, also, for a long time, at my dad  I wondered why he always acted the way he did.  During my days in Vancouver, I subconsciously gave up on the idea that we would ever have a relationship any further than the weekly (sometimes monthly) "hello, how are you doing? everything's fine, ok, bye".  For a while, that's how it was. 

About a year ago, my dad had to undergo an emergency surgery.  Within a week's notice, I packed up my bags and flew back to Taiwan to help my mom out at the hospital to take care of him.  The surgery affected him in many ways.  For one, his energy level was not the same was it used to be after the surgery.  He got tired more easily and his state of health became more fragile after wards.  Over the past year, my mom has patiently and labourously (word I made up!) nursed him back to mediocre health.  This involved making sure that he ALWAYS took his medicine, that he never got too tired or stressed, and that he would eat very healthily.  Sometimes, this involved a lot of resistance and flares of temper coming from my dad.  But nonetheless, as she has at many other things, my mom persevered.

After finally finishing my master's degree, I knew I had to return to Taiwan to spend some time with my parents before I got back into the work force again.  I wasn't sure what to expect, and braced myself for the same old.  My older sister and her husband had visited my parents in Taiwan earlier and seemed to have had a good time.  This calmed my nerves a bit.  Of course, I had also started praying that I wouldn't get agitated or break into another argument with my dad.  

To my surprise, I found that within this year, my parents seemed to have, for a lack of a better word, matured.  Their focus on  their health have made them to be very conscientious about keeping a healthy diet, and their emotions in check.  I found my time in Taiwan to be pleasant, and I enjoyed spending time with mom and dad.  Most of all, strangely, I started to understand my dad more, of his feelings and emotions, of why he would react to certain situations the way he did (when I say understand, I don't mean that I agree with how he acts but I understand what would cause him to act that way).  It was a revelation!  And it was very strange because I had never had this insight before.  I started to see how underneath all the layers how my dad was born to be a very loving, caring, and compassionate person.  All the things that I had only heard my mom talk about I began to see for myself - how my dad loves his job and feels a certain strong responsibility to his patients, how hard he works at his job to provide for his family, and how tired he gets after each day of work.  It was as if God opened my eyes, and now I could see.  

I had often prayed that God would change people that I didn't get along so well with.  I've also heard that often times God doesn't change others, but he changes ourselves.  I had accepted the fact that my dad and I would never have a close relationship.  During my trip back to Taiwan this month, God proved me to be wrong, and God would show me that he had his answers for me, although it wasn't what I always expected the answer to be.  For a long time, I found that I couldn't really forgive dad, or hold a grudge against him.   Being the sensitive person that he is, I'm sure he felt it, and always tried to do how he knew best to improve things between us.  A stark realization came to me while I was in Taiwan this month.  All along I was waiting for my dad to finally change into the dream 'dad' I wished he was, but I had forgotten God's commandment for us, and most of all, what he has offered us.  God has offered us unconditional love.  He loves us no matter who we are, what we've done.  He loves us just because.  We often talk about whether or not someone deserves to be loved.  The truth is simple - it's not whether or not we deserve to be loved, but it's the fact that we are ALREADY loved unconditionally.  How can we, as Christians, walk around proclaiming that we have received and experienced love, and not act lovingly or kindly to others?  A verse comes to mind:

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 4:23-24).

      

Isn't that what we all need?  To know what we are loved conditionally no matter what.  I know it is, unbeknown to my dad himself, what he needed to know and experience from me.  He needed to know that to him I say "Dad, you have made your share of mistakes, but you tried your very best to love us.  No matter what it is you've done, I love you anyways, unconditionally."  I now see that I had putting my dad on a measuring stick, only being genuinely nice to him when I found him to be tolerable.  Many of us will do a lot for our family members,  but only during times of illness and extreme emergencies.  But why not show them our love without condition, everyday, because we have received love abundantly from our creator.  It is a great joy to know that love.  But for those who around us who don't know it, God is precisely asking us to show His love through us.  

This deep revelation comes along a path to healing for me.  God has really been faithful all these years.  When I think of how good he has been to us.  When I am sitting with mom and dad on an ordinary afternoon, me fetching water and snacks (Mochi from Kyoto!) for them and listening to them tell me stories about Taiwan (current politics, the economy, many other things), I feel very blessed to have such loving parents.  

My dad may never become the model dad that I wish him to be.  In fact, he may not change much in principle (although I do see change in him, praise God!).  One night I was in my room on the computer, my dad popped his head in to say hi.  I thought then that no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I was OK with an almost non-existent relationship with my dad, deep down I wasn't.  After all, I am his child and he is a part of me, and I am a part of him.  There is something sacred about that.  And I could never really be whole until I made peace with this unresolved bitterness that I had stored up in my heart against him.  

God gave me a whole lot of love.  I truly found that by me letting go of my past bitterness, the dynamics within the family changed.  Dad was clearly more comfortable and happy, I'm sure he sensed the change too and is perhaps slightly confused, what changed?  I  found I no longer was taking sides much, for feeling like I could make someone change by showing displeasure.  All along, love was the answer.  Thank you God, for loving me and my family.  Thank you for teaching me how to love the way that you do.   I will continue to need Him to give me strength and courage to love as Jesus does, because I know that without God, I can never do it on my own.

Important lessons that I learned on my trip....

1. You ARE what you eat :)

2. Love is the answer!